Butterfly Reflections

Life...what can I say but it happpens and then you learn.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Recent Story ...

Our Recent Story... (posted by Wayne for Paula)

So here goes. Last week, Paula and I experienced something we wanted for so long to experience. We (actually just Paula, but we shared in it) took three home pregnancy tests. All three were positive. On Thursday, we started sharing our amazing news with our parents and a few very close friends. We had decided not to share it far and wide until we were able to get it confirmed by Paula’s doctor. We were extremely excited, but we desperately tried to not get too excited for fear that the tests were false.We had a great Saturday. Sunday morning was great. We even had lunch with several corps members to lovingly send off a friend back to Canada.On the way home from lunch, Paula felt a lot of pressure on her stomach. She said it felt as if she had a really full bladder. Upon arriving to our home, she went upstairs to our bedroom to empty her bladder. I let Phileo out to “potty,” then made my way upstairs to get out of my uniform.

Paula was lying down in our bed. I got into some sleep shorts and got into bed with her, assuming we would have a wonderful nap-filled afternoon. Paula had a nervous look on her face. She said that she didn’t have to go as much as she thought she did. She felt a lot of cramps and when she did go, there was some spotting.

She called the OBGYN’s on call line and they advised us to go to the emergency room. I will save you the hours of events that happened there. To make a long story short, they did a urine test, a blood test, and two different types of ultrasounds.

The urine test came back negative for a pregnancy. The blood test came back positive, but with a very low reading. The doctor said that it seems there may have been a “threatened abortion” or miscarriage, since there had been three positive home tests and now the low reading on the blood test. He also said there is a possibility it could have been an “ectopic pregnancy” (tubal pregnancy).

He told us we would need to follow up with Paula’s doctor on Tuesday to have another urine test and blood test to confirm which it was. Our appointment was Tuesday at 9am. It was indeed a threatened abortion, which I think is a simply terrible name. There wasn’t a tubal, which we were happy about because that can be life threatening for Paula.

It was rough for Paula going to the doctor. We just didn’t put two and two together to prepare her for seeing pregnant women at her OBGYN. It is an obvious thing that we should have expected.

The doctor tells us that this was a fluke incident. It is actually common. There is no reason why we cannot have a normal, healthy pregnancy. Most likely, the pregnancy was abnormal and Paula’s body sensed that and therefore saw it as a threat and began the process to reject it, hence “threatened abortion.”

So now comes the grieving. It is somewhat odd to me. I know many of my friends have gone through this, but until you do, you don’t know how hard it is. I had no relationship with this child. I had never held him/her, nor have I seen his/her face. I only knew of his/her existence for a matter of days, but my heart broke as if I had known this child all my life. My boss told me something quite profound. She said that this child never knew sin. He/She was never tempted and never had to make choices that would separate them from the love of Jesus. That child stands absolutely beautiful, without sin in front of God’s throne today… and he/she is a product of Paula and me.

We are in no way angry with God. We know and hold firm to the fact that God knows exactly what He is doing and that His will is absolutely perfect. The blessing from this is that there is no question that we are able to get pregnant.

We do ask that when you are around us, that you act normal and not ask us about this or talk to us about it. Please don’t call us or email us asking about this. We are going through our grieving process and having to relive with everyone that asks or emails will delay getting through our grief. If we want to talk about, please let us bring it up.

Thank you all for your continued prayer for us. You don’t know how much that means to us.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

People Get Ready ...

I know it has been a while since my last post. I must say that 30 seems to suit me....so they say.

I must say that I have had a wonderful time over the last month. We have had the opportunity to spend time with some awesome friends here in Charlotte and in Georgia as well. I had my very first experience going tubing on Lake Norman a couple weeks ago. It was absolutely amazing. I have never been able to do anything like that before. It was so exhilarating!!! Wayne said he couldn't believe that I actually got out there and did it. I was a little surprised myself. I really had no intention on getting out there but as we were riding on the lake to get to the spot to start tubing I started thinking. I know that can be dangerous for me. I realized that I am not the same person. I have worked hard to loose an amazing amount of weight so I could be healthy but also so I can do these types of things for the first time in my life. I put that life jacket on and I was the first one to get on the tube. It was a two person tube so Wayne got on there with me and off we went. We ended up going two times.

We also were able to go to the Holiness Congress in Atlanta. It was an amazing experience for both Wayne and I. God spoke to each of us in way that was so powerful. I really came away so blessed and renewed. I could feel the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart and soul. I had a few realizations about myself. I realized that there is still healing to be done in both me and Wayne. The wonderful thing that was made evident to me is that God is not done with me yet. I am sure Wayne feels the same way. Life over that past five years has not been easy but it has been an amazing adventure of trials and triumphs. God is victorious and He is seated on the throne!!! It excites me to think of what God is going to do in our lives as a married couple, in our corps, in our division, in our territory, in our country, in the world!!!! I am getting all excited just sitting her typing.

I hope for those of you that were also there that you walked away with a passion. I know that God is doing amazing things everywhere.

Well I guess I should close for now, but as I said at the top People get ready.....God is still on the throne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 09, 2008

Today is the day.......

I turn 30!!!!

I am actually okay with that. I am embracing the whole milestone of a new decade to enter in to. I feel blessed that I have made it this far in life. I feel blessed that for the first time in my adult life I actually feel healthy. I also feel like I look younger than I did when I turned 21, go figure. I did decide not to have a party or anything. I just want to go to dinner. Then, we are going to go back home and have Chocolate Cheesecake (made with splenda)!!!! I am really excited about this. There is a bakery in the area I work that makes sugar free options. Cheesecake has always been my favorite but I have not been able to enjoy for 19 months. I am certainly not complaining though, because over these last 19 months I have been able to loose 190 pounds.

God has blessed me in more ways than I can even begin to express. He has done exceedingly and immeasureably more than I could have asked for. What a great God we serve!! I really take each day as a blessing.

There has been something that I have learned recently about trusting God. I am not the best at letting go of the control on most things. I never realized how much of a control freak I really am. To even begin to think that I could do any better than God himself. Well, a couple weeks ago, I had a God moment during church where He said, "Paula, trust Me." I became completely overwhelmed and the tears began to flow. There have been several things going on in our life lately that has really been stressing me out. I made a commitment that day to trust Him. When I finally released the reigns and let go, I felt a load of burdens had been lifted. I walk more upright and stand taller because I don't have to carry that around with me anymore. I am excited for what the future holds and how God is going to use me and Wayne. I am also excited to see what other blessings he will send my way.

Thank you God for being so gracious and loving. Thank you for carrying those things I cannot carry and don't want to carry. I love you!!!!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Life.....where does the time go?

I know what you must be thinking.....where is this going to go? Well, I will be turning 30 two weeks from tomorrow. I don't think that I am neccessarily nervous or anxious about it. I actually feel a little blah about it. I think in a way that I want to act as if it is nothing really significant. I even told my husband that I don't want a party of sorts. I kind of just want to let it to be another day. Is that weird? A few months ago I was really excited about turning 30 and wanted a big party. I guess that is just how us women are. We change our minds frequently.

It could be that I am just tired. We have really been busy lately with church, work, friends, and all the usual routines of life. I actually am trying to figure out a weekend that there is nothing planned or scheduled so I can just do that......nothing. It really is amazing how we can get so busy doing that we forget to stop and have time for ourselves. I think that is really what I am needing is just some good old "me" time. I haven't really had that in a long time. Usually "me" time consists of laying on the couch and watching a good movie that you haven't seen a long time. It is also usually a movie that you don't get to watch often because your spouse doesn't like it.

I also think that part of my blah problem is that I feel a little stressed. There always seems to be something that comes up just when you feel likes things are finally starting to fall into place. I know that when we go through times like these it is just an opportunity for God to teach us something. I also know that these times happen so that we can grow stronger. I was listening to the local christian radio station on my way into work this morning and the radio host was talking about the song, "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. She was saying that most people wonder why we would ask to trials to come in our lives. Then she also said that when we are most vulnerable is when God is able to reveal the most to us. It really was like a light bulb moment for me. I sing that song a lot in Praise & Worship. I always knew what I was singing but I guess I never realized what I was asking for. The chorus goes:

"Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know they'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You. Jesus bring the rain."

So I guess all this rambling is so that I can say that I will PRAISE HIM!!!!! Even when I feel blah, I will PRAISE HIM. Even when I feel stressed, I will PRAISE HIM. Even when I feel so overwhelmed and defeated, I will PRIASE HIM.


Sunday, March 30, 2008

Home Redecorating Pictures

Well we did it. We finally finished painting our kitchen, living/dining room, and half bathroom on the downstairs level of our townhome. I must say that we completely underestimated the time and sweat it would take to get it done. For those of you that might not have seen it before this. Imagine that every wall was off white. Our builder called it DR Horton White. Now we have put our stamp on our home and I must say that I love it completely. It really is serene and calm. I really feel like I can relax here.

Enjoy the pictures!!!

Here is the half bathroom.

Here is a view that shows the kitchen/living/dining rooms. You can see that our dog, Phileo has found his favorite spot on the new sectional sofa we bought to complete the space.

Here is one view of the living room.

This is the dining area.
This is the lving room. We also purchased a new sectional and ottoman for the space.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

"It's time, It's time!!!"

Ok, so I know I have not been faithful with Blogger. I guess I have too much that I have been trying to keep up.

One quick note though. We are finally going to do it. We are going to...................................are you ready....................................we are going to paint our house!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been waiting forever to do this. I finally convinced my husband that the time is now. Of course we are just going to start with our downstairs for now but that is fine with me.

I have always been a home improvement show junkie so now is my time to try out all that I have learned over the years. Hopefully, I have learned a lot. I guess I will have to let you know.

Friday, February 01, 2008

"What should I do?"

Have you ever just had things that are going on in your life and you just don't know what to do. Recently that has happened in my life. The ins and outs of daily life and the responsibilities that go along with it sometimes become so overwhelming. I used to hate it when my mom would say that she longed to be in school again. Now I know why. I used to complain about having to go to school and how boring it was or how I didn't like it. She would always tell me how much she wished she could just go to school again. Life was so simple back then. I know I am saying back then, it is true. All we had to be concerned with was whether our homework was complete or who we were going to sit with at lunch. There weren't bills that we had to pay or worry about whether there was going to be enough money to pay them. We didn't have to be consumed by working to make a living and provide for the basic needs of our family. Mind you, I don't have any children yet. When I step back and look at what it really costs to have children, I wonder if I will ever be able to afford a child. In my heart of hearts, I am so ready to be a mother and I know W is very much ready to be a father. I know our families are ready for us to go ahead and take that step. I know it must seem as if I am rambling on and on about nothing but that is what is on my heart right now.

It is my prayer that God will show me and help me to not be concerned over the things in life that I cannot control.