Laugh Until It Hurts

LIST FOR THE DAY - Top Eight Morons of 2006


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP ? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS : Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B ??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT ??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING ??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!


8. THE GRAND FINALE !!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Here is something else that had me laughing so hard I was crying!!!!! Enjoy!!!!

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

01. Don't change horses .................................... until they stop running.
02. Strike while the ...................................................bug is close.
03. It's always darkest before .................................Daylight Saving Time.
04. Never underestimate the power of ...................................... termites.
05. You can lead a horse to water but .......................................... how?
06. Don't bite the hand that ........................................... looks dirty.
07. No news is............................................................impossible.
08. A miss is as good as a ...................................................... Mr.
09. You can't teach an old dog new ............................................ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..........................stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................................................. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .............................................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is............................................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .......................................... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who....................................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ...................................................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .......................................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ........................you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry &........You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ....................................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ............................ spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ................................ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you............ see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ............................... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!


25. Better late than........................................................pregnant.